As a man once said, " I have a dream."

i took a short nap and had a pretty sweet dream ,
i kinda don't want to tell anyone what it was but it made me smile :),
gosh i wish i could be a part of a family, like a close bunch of people that like relie on one an other, like a team but so close their like brothers. i never really had a feeling of belonging, i've always felt like the lone wolf. i am really her hero? because all i feel like is a zero. well it's about ten and im gonna stay up watching halloween movies. i hope she had a blast tonight. i miss her all the time but i know in my heart that im never really gone, i have a place in her heart. well i would hope so, i love my little beautiful girl. well in the mean while keep smiling and keep fighting for what you believe in xxxxxxx <3 bryan

*sigh*

im handing out candy playing Mr. nice guy,
gosh being a nice guy is no fun. we always finish last

this night of halloween

im here alone,
listening to im still here.
:) alex gave me a free lighter from work
and i mommy got a new car and it's pretty cool.
well im gonna listen to music maybe watch a halloween movie and well think ALOTT

cat

im sorry i didn't call you today,
well it's 11 and im gonna stay up longer
to read and think about how awesome my life is
with you in it, teehee such a small person makes a huge difference.
love always, bryan <3

school

im sorry i wasnt there today,
i miss you :/

two great songs

my dad said this to me

"bryan, thats the best looking necklace i've ever seen around your neck,
don't take it off." hun thank you for letting me wear it <3 i wish i could kiss your forehead before you close your eyes and dream but i can't so i'll kiss the tooth and think of my angel

so theres this girl

and she's always on my mind,

i love how she can't help but to smile when

she sees me, i love the was she laughs,

i love the feeling that i get when im around her,

i love the way her fingers fit perfectly in the spaces between my fingers,

i love how her lips feel on mine.

im so afraid of loosing her,

a cold tear just ran down my cheek,

but it's okay, soon i'll see her again,

she's beautiful, and she's my catalina

i can hear it :'(

the screaming in my head,
back then i couldnt shake it off.
maybe now i have a better handle of it?
well im gonna try to fight it off in my nightmare.
xxxxxxx <3

world so cold :(

:)

for once i like the way i look :)

today 29/10.7

was a pretty nice day,
every class went by fast and
when she like poped out of no where and said boo :)

im sorry

i was everywhere today,
i was always thinking of you,
thinking to myself, is she okay?
i hope she smiled and thought about me today,
and so much more running on and on like unanswered prayers.
but here i am and im still thinking of you. i always am, well im gonna write a little
, kiss your necklace and call it a night. i hope you had an awesome day. love always bryan <3 xxxxxxx

im still here

I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment that's held in your arms
And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man
You can't take me and throw me away
And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

Chorus:
And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted I could be
Now you know me and I'm not afraid
And I want to tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

Chorus:
And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They can't see me
But I'm still here

They can't tell me who to be
Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah, the world is still sleepin'
While I keep on dreamin' for me
And their words are just whispers and lies
That I'll never believe

Chorus:
And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can they say i'll never change?
They're the ones that stay the same
I'm the one now
'Cause I'm still here

I'm the one
Cause I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here

lol im cRaZyY

in between every play i run up and cheak my blog
to see if she left me anything.

on halloween i'll be hearing this live :D

"Lullaby"

Didn’t they teach you, everything okay if you settle enough?
Forget your dreams, let’s pretend I’m everything you want me to be.

Complicated breathing, you never had the guts just to throw me away.
Life moves slow when everything’s a worse version of what you need.

And I’m just the ground that you happened to fall on,
when you lost your balance, walking around in the rain.
And you got to your feet, scratched your head,
and started together the life that you trust all around me.

I can’t fight for a graveyard, anymore.

Some people have no money,
to keep their legs pumping away at the ground.
What moves me is fear,
that I’ll always be alone at the end of the day.
(At the end of the day)

And I’m just the ground that you happened to fall on,
when you lost your balance, walking around in the rain.
And you got to your feet, scratched your head,
and started together the life that you trust all around me.

I can’t fight for a graveyard,
I can’t fight for a graveyard, anymore.

I’m just the ground that you happened to fall on.
I’m just the ground. [x3]

And I’m just the ground that you happened to fall on,
when you lost your balance, walking around in the rain.
And you got to your feet, scratched your head,
and started together the life that you trust all around me.

I’m just the ground [x4]

I can’t fight for a graveyard, anymore…

i wish i knew

what to say,
i feel like i
want to say one thousand
words to you but i can't get them to
come out, well in three i can some it all up,
babe, i love you. just thinking of the way you stand up your
tippy toes to hug me makes me smile, the way you smile when your around me,
it's so big that you close your eyes :) i want to cry but it's because im happy,
happy... for once im truely happy, Thank you <3

an other day in the life of axel :(

nobodies home,
and i miss her but
i'll be okay. im still trying to understand
my dream from last night. thinking of yesterday makes me smile,
when i span her around. and just everything, :D

umm i don't know

well i just remembered that cat is
spending the night at jess's so
i c ant talk to her today :/ well
it's okay. umm i guess im gonna try to beat my high score.

today's sunset

from about 5:30 to right now on 6:03 was beautiful.
well i'll be on for a while so talk?



ps this guy did an amazing job with iris :)

7. Axel (scene) 12111000 October 27, 2007

now my fingers reallyy hurt but it's worth it :)

i had a dream or was it a nightmare?

last night was amazing
i had trouble falling asleep
but when i did i had a dream?
i kept awakening from it but when
i fell back asleep it picked up where it left off,
do you know how it feels to run off Adrenaline? like it
feels like Nature has taken over and theres no time to think?
you just act and you feel so powerful and the worst thing you can do is think?
last night i was fighting the animal with me and i felt my heart beat and he said, "see that? thats what Separates you from me." we we're standing on a rooftop and i was standing on the edge, he told me to embrace him and let rage flow within my vains but i refused and he kicked me over the edge. as i was falling two wings brust from my back, one looked like the one's of an angel and the other of a demon, then i flew toward the moon. im not sure what all that meant but im trying to understand.

tonight 26/10/7

was better than any dream
i've ever dreamt, thank you so
much for going <3 i love you <3

:(

jess pulled her away :(
i was sad because i waited the whole day and
like all of yesterday to be close to her.
and she she was all brybry and stuff and wanted a hug but i wasnt feeling it today.
but in a few hours it'll be game time so :)

i still have my ticket to no sleep till halloween

it would have been papa roach, kill hannah, Lost prophets and HIM in new york city :D i payed like 100 for my seat so i would have been right there :(

hello blog

well today basicly sucked,
like i looked ewww, and the teachers suck.
and and umm yeah the world is filled with meaniess :(
haha i feel like im fivee :D im not sure if i should call because it's like nine really. i miss my litle girl but i'll see her tomorrow. so in the mean while, keep smiling and be drunk off life like gaby. teehee bye

reminds me of someone :)

:(

im sorry if i
got you into any problems

:/

yeah school sucks,
jared hugs like a billion people
and yeah we can't :( but our homecoming game is
tomorrow so :D

Dream

i had the sweetest dream
last night, i was sleeping in it
but i wasnt alone. i part of me didn't want to wake up,
but i knew that in real life im able to feel her touch.
i love her <3

i wonder

about so much. :'(

when everything feels like the movies you bleed just to know your alive

well it's 7:44
and time is going by
soo slow :( it's like time dosent want
me to see her :( i miss her. she can't come to homecoming game
so i guess i'll just go to the river sit in my tree and watch the water pass me by.
i just kissed her necklace. well im gonna go think some more and sing iris while im at it. goodbye

i like this song

What have I done?
Where have I come from?
When I burnt the backs with the sun through a glass did I seal the loss that's become me?

Feeling undone
What have I become?
When I turned my back on you I turned my back on myself and became this machine

Thoughtlessness
(I feel)Selfishness
(I feel)Hopelessness
(I feel)Arrogant

I feel it on the inside
Twisting and contorting
Memory has shaped me once again

Still feel you on the inside
Biting through and stinging
Will I ever forget to remember?

Shadows in the sun
Filter through us
Still wrestle the demons that arrested me as a child
Confession rejected
We grow up
To give up
People step on the cracks for wounds owed paid back
Through the words of surrender

Emptiness
(I feel)Loneliness
(I feel)Listlessness
(I feel)Worthless

I feel it on the inside
Twisting and contorting
Memory has shaped me once again
Still feel you on the inside
Biting through and stinging
Will I ever forget to remember?

Can you save me?
From myself
From these memories
Can you save me?
From myself
From these memories

Surrender
To the shadows
Haunting inside
Bleed through you
Surrender to the secretes...inside
Lies within you

I feel it on the inside
Twisting and contorting
Memory has shaped me once again
Still feel you on the inside
Biting through and stinging
Will I ever forget to remember?

Can't feel you on the inside
Set down the bag and left it
Lost memory has left me
One again
Open up the inside
Admission for the cleansing
Now that I've forgotten to remember

Surrender
To the shadows
Haunting inside
Bleed through you

thanks

for being late to class with me cat :)

Cat

well i hope your happy,
im proud to wera your necklace.
i adore you. well i guess this
is goodnight hun <3 (p.s i can't see your blog
because you have to change your settings, like me)

johnny, heres to ya

please ease the pain

i'm not use why but i cryed at ccd,
i held her necklace to make the tears go away.

a girl

<3 thats all i can say

haha brian mcknight

do i ever cross your mind?
do you ever wake up reaching out for me?
i wish i could say somthing but im afraid it would come out wrong like
everything else. but im looking at a picture and holding her necklace.
catalina you are simlpy amazing, end of story

i see

i now see how
you feel, like
everything i say comes
out wrong, only in person
things feel different because
your there and theres no better
feeling then having you by my side

today

i couldnt help but to wish i was a hero,
i wish i could fly or be able to go where ever i want
or stop time and be able to go back. i wish i could be someone's hero :(

life

without a mom is going well
dad is not home to be with us but
we can take care of yourselfs.
he dosent like that he's never here
,he told me. but soon it'll get better

:(

that lady at the end of the day was a meanyy :(
well gabby's cool and gave me a high five so :D lol

morning

:( i feel like crying by i'll
fight back the tears

i couldnt believe my eyes

you know how people say their eyes change colors?
i saw mine change for once, i touched her necklace and i saw my eyes turn lighter.
wow it was amazing. i can't wait untill first glance tomorrow :)

i hope she's okay

i wasnt the same guy at ad's,
i felt like somthing was wrong and i
started to cry. i hope she's okay.
sweet dreams hun *kisses your forehead* i love you

im lame

hey
how are you?
may i talk to you for a minute?
i don't mean to bother you.
but i must confess to you.
i love you...

it all started with a simple crush
but i knew that in time that sonn
i would become a victim of love
and if one day you feel the same
i'll be here to stay and hold you
untill the end, i promise

i can see it all

friday night as if it were a movie,
i love it. i love you

;'(

jump start my heart?

here is gone

it's all my fault :(

sunset

well it's the half way point of the day,
i've been trying to clear my mind but there's
one thing i can not clear, but i don't want to clear it.
it's of a wonderful girl. i feel so bad that emily feels like
i've taken her away from her. well i guess im gonna go outside hold a necklace and watch the day end. take care everyone

idk

ah im bored and sleepy,
wow the pats are killinggg the
dolphins, im sure by the end it's be 5o somthing to 7.
well im looking at a small photograph and thinking of someone.
ahh well im listening to black ballon by the goo goo dolls.
wow this is all mezsy and ew i guess. well i guess this is goodbye for now.

The goo goo dolls are to me what mcr is to emily and cat

goodnight

well i guess i'm going to bed,
but i'll stay up for a wee bit longer to read.
well off to bed i go. sweet dreams everyone.

:(

emily,
i want to say im sorry
but it's hard. im sorry
im crying now but it dosent matter
im sorry it feels like i've taken her away from you

teenage years

are hard,
like your no longer a kid,
nor an adult yet, we cant drive
we can't drink. and we're at the pont of our lives
where we define who we are. we chose what and who matters.
well my 14th birthday is pretty much in a month and high school isnt
far away. wow time gose by kinda fast but yet it gose by ever so slowly. ya know? like inside a little part of me still feels like a sixith grader that's having trouble opening he's locker (i still have that problem) and yet inside i feel grown. but in my mind i know i still have so much to learn, hell, maybe i know nothing at all. i know what death feels like when it touches your heart. i try to view the beauty in life like the view i have from my 4th period seat and the sunset. inside i feel like a shell but im trying to fill my life with meaning. it's now my time to place my hand around the throat of life and take what i need. i hope i don't fall. Don't give up on me

smile bryan

i can't help but to smile when i touch or look at my reflection and see cat's necklace around my neck. :)

always thinking of you

babe im always thinking of you,
i wonder if your okay. i think of your smile and
how beautiful you are. the reason i was looking at my necklace
around your neck last night is because it felt so right. do you know what i mean? well i hope your smiling and okay <3

?

Skin has a good memory. Skin is like the ground we walk every day. you can read a whole history in it, if you know how to look. these are scars, whenever i look at my scars i can remember when and why. but it's the scars that you can't see on our bodys that cause the most pain. well it's possible to see it, at my worst i had people look into my eyes and ask me whats wrong. i was amazed that they knew somthing was wrong. my eyes are funny like that, when im happy my skin turns lighter and so do my eyes. well goodbye

*yawn*

i just woke up and jen's not here so i guess thats cool,
well i guess i'll post somthing later :)

:)

Ryan Oliveira sent me a message in return!! :D

goodnight?

well im going to try to get some rest,
it's about 2:30 am and well i guess this is goodnight. well good morning?
ah whatever. byebye, sleep well everyone

im slowly getting over this, for far too long i kept my memories in cells. It's time to set them free and confront them one by one

i wrote this not too long ago :(

I want you to bleed the tears iv cried,
I want you to cry the blood iv bled,
I want you to lose everything you ever cared for,
I want your heart to stop beating,
I want you to pick up that blade,
I want you to fear the things I fear,
I want you to see life though my broken eyes,
I want you to lose control of everything in your life,
I want you to be destroyed and on your knees begging for death,
When its all said and done then you can join me among the dead,

Is it too much to ask for to be just like me?

i just don't know

im crying now,
i feel like someone
has a hand around my thoat
and its hard to breah. i use to hate god
for taking everything that meant something to me.
i want to let go of that hate, i've got a beautiful girl who loves me.
now the tears are really streaming down my cheeks. god left me cold and
in a place where all lights faded into the darkness. god thank you,
for sending me an angel to repair me. i don't know what to do. i wish i could take the world's pain and sorrow down with me.i was foolish, i know that look in her eyes tonight, for i had them in mine. i want to hold her high and take all her pain away. i can see a small light now and im now walking toward it. i place my hand over her necklace and i kiss it softly. im wearing it with love and hope. please darling smile. look into my eyes and tell me, i'll hold on to you untill theres no more tears to cry, i promise. catalina rose mckay, i love you

a lost of words

today was amazing,
she didn't have to say a word.
just looking into her eyes was (i don't know what to say)
i think if sherry saw who im becoming that she'd be pround of me.
i can feel the other half of me. im strange, inside i feel like a little three
year of boy that just fell down and thats crying out for help. and the other half of me is the boogyman. i'm trying to figure out who i am. i try telling myself tha i only live once but i feel like theres so much in store for me. ya know? when i touch her necklace my heart beats faster. gosh i love this girl :) catalina i love you <3

78418941856

well i can't wait untill tomorrow,
i hope it turns out to be a night to remember,
i hope my dad can come home by seven.
the school day is gonna be sooo long :(
i'll write the day away :D well im gonna look at a little picture
kiss my necklace and call it a night. sleep well everyone.
(well i might post an other blog because i wake up every 2700 seconds :/)

i don't know what to name this...

wow i just saw what i sent emily,
that came from me huh? it just all poured out of me.
;'( i think im on the right path this time, i hope sherry would have been proud of me :) catalina, she's made me the happyest guy around :D thanks hun, i love you

bad day turned out good

:D

qeybvcyhewbvqyewcq63

:/ i hope my mommy leave at like five or six am so i can say goodbye.

hey

im happy for once :)
and i have a girl to thank for that.
thank you catalina <3

an other day

It's hard to shake off thoughts of suicide now adays,
im afraid of the unknown like who will always be there for me,
and who or what i'll become. I wonder if i have what it takes to end it all.
i can't sleep at night. i miss so much. i know your thinking well get up and find what you miss and want. but i don't know where to find it. i wish she... well nevermind :'(

umm

she looked stunning today,
yet again she always dose :D
knowing i have the love of such an amazing girl
is yuhfewvcytewvybewwvasuhbdnyuh yeah i can't find the correct words to use but yeah it's the best feeling ever. i love her smile :)
i wish i knew what she thought but you can only do that when you know someone well. but it's better when she says nothing at all. well untill next time kids. keep those smiles on your faces and be happy :zd

........

im not going to listen to that voice in my head tomorrow
i have an idea :D she'll see :) gosh i hope i can pull it off :)
well nighty night, sweet dreams everyone xxxxxxx

hey there

well it's almost ten and i know i won't be getting any sleep.
i miss my girl, i wish we could spend a day together so i can know her like the back of my hand. It seems like she keeps so much to herself. i wonder if she trusts me. i feel so lost theses days. tomorrow is going to be a long day. gosh she's like a drug. im sorry that i keep bringing her up but i can't get my mind off her. i want her to be happy, and see her smile. hug me? kiss me? let me into your heart?

scream your heart out with me?

ahhh i want to fucking scream!
i want my world to stop spining for just this once.
so i can collect and piece the broken parts of me together.
i miss cat soo much, i wonder what she thinks of when she's quite.
she rarely talks. but it's okay because when i see her it's different ya know? i wonder who i'll become. i wonder who will be holding my hand in a year. i wish she would open up and let me in but i can see why she wouldnt want to. times like these is when i think about that night where i wanted to end it all, the only place that sent me was ccmc. i don't want to be alone. catalina rose mckay i love you. im lost. please come out and find me

bored

wow, i never realized how long our school day is ;/

Untitled

Well here I am once again,
I didn’t go to school today
Because I threw up and have a cold?
I feel so lost, I’ve been feeling this way for months .
I know people can heal from almost everything but
Just because I know they can heal doesn’t mean I want to
See them hurt. I can see how all of this might seem off topic
From each other but organizing my thoughts is getting harder and harder.
I miss my little girl, she’s always on my mind. I love her and because of that I’m terrified of losing her. I know how it feels to lose someone you care so much about,
At times I wish they never existed so I would be spared my pain. Am I wasting my time looking for answers? I want to believe every question has an answer but that isn’t true.
I’m just a silly teenage boy that wants to know the reason for everything, but one of theses days I’ll wake and realize that I spent my whole life asking why when my life has already pasted me by. Why is it that every time I talk to her everything comes out wrong?
See? There I go. Well here are the lyrics of the song that is always on my mind. I know it by heart. If one of these days you see me in the hall and listen close I’ll be whispering it like a prayer.



And I'd give up forever to touch you,Cause I know that you feel me somehow.You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,And I don't want to go home right now.And all I can taste is this moment,And all I can breathe is your life,And sooner or later it's over,I just don't want to miss you tonight.And I don't want the world to see me,Cause I don't think that they'd understand.When everything's made to be broken,I just want you to know who I am.And you cant fight the tears that ain't coming,Or the moment of the truth in your lies.When everything feels like the movies,Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive.And I don't want the world to see me,'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.When everything's made to be broken,I just want you to know who I am.And I don't want the world to see me,Cause I don't think that they'd understand.When everything's made to be broken,I just want you to know who I am.And I don't want the world to see me,Cause I dont think that they'd understand.When everything's made to be broken,I just want you to know who I am.I just want you to know who I am.I just want you to know who I am.I just want you to know who I am.

why hello there

My name is axel,
well not really, my birth name is bryan but i
abandoned that name because i felt like i lost all
he sttod for. So i adopted the name axel because I felt like it has a mysterious touch to it,
Which fits what I am because with every passing day im trying to figure out who I truly am.
well that alot about my name.
well im a silly teenage boy that always feels lost but it's okay because i have the best friends a guy could ask for.
well here are some little facts about me
: im 5'7
: black hair
:light brown eyes
:i love to write
:i have a sister named jen
: i like riding my quads
: i waste my time seeking for answers knowing that with every answers arises a new qustion so really all im doing is looking for things to ease my mind
: im taken by a lovely girl that is perfect through my eyes
: i have many scars all over my body
: the necklace i wear around my neck means hope and faith to me

and well thats some things about me, if you want to know more simply ask :)?